chronicanorexic

An overdue entry

Feb. 2nd, 2010 at 4:13 PM

Hi all of my cyber friends! I am so sorry I am just getting an update to you all. Seems like evey other week I am in the hospital (even over the holidays!). I just got home last week from a 11 day stay. I've had some kind of intestinal infection they seem to think I have had consistantly for the past year (called "C-Diff"--some type of infection in the colon). They said most people get it, but their immune system fights it off. My immune system is so poor I can't fight it off. I think that is why I get so malnourished and dehydrated, I start slipping off into a coma. I have been accepted for home health care and they are also trying to get me on Hospice. I have a young lady that comes into my home and cleans for me, does my laundry, and other simple stuff. And she is here when I take a shower because that is when I will often pass out. I get so out of breath. I have been told that when it comes down for me to not be able to care for myself and the pain is so bad, hopefully I can get hospice and they can keep me as comfortable as possible until I pass away. I dont want to die in a nursing home or hospital. I am just in so much pain (stomach, joint pain, muscle pain, bone pain (so severe it hurts to walk!). Please pray for my family!! This is so very hard on them!
All My Love from Kansas!

Mood: lethargic

Very Sick Girl--Update on Karlene

Dec. 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 AM

Hello everyone,
Wanted to let everyone know that last week I was found unresponsive by my mom and she and my oldest sister took me to the ER. To make a very long story shorter, they believe I had two seizures (one in the ambulance on the way to Topeka--they transferred me to the ICU at St. Francis Hosp.; and one that night in the ICU). Afterward, I felt like I had a stroke: I couldn't talk, think, or put words together. I was very confused and scared. It took a couple of days for my thoughts and talking to return and even longer for my hands and wrists to straighten out. They put a PEG (feeding) tube in and I was transferred to a reg. room. I got home Monday evening. They are not sure what exactly happened, but think maybe I was so malnournished, weak, and dehydrated, that I may have been starting to go into a coma. Many believe (including me!) if my mom had not found me when she did I would be dead. They are concerned about my heart rate and have put me on a Beta-Blocker. My insurance wouldn't pay for a feeding pump or my formula, so I am having to do it manually, which is very hard bc I had the pump going 24/7 in the hospital. I am trying to find a feeding (Enternal) pump and the supplies that go with it. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to know where I could get something fairly cheap! My weight has fallen to 72 lbs and it is getting quite hard to care for myself. I am very weak and in alot of pain! I really want to hold off the nursing home thing as long as possible (plus I'm not sure what my ins. will pay). I am on alot of meds (including pain meds) that I mostly put through my tube.
Sorry this got alittle long. I tried to shorten it a bit.
I want to "publicly" thank my mother for basically saving my life! I want to thank my entire family for sticking by me, being with me when I needed them the most, and for their incredible unconditional love for me!! I could never thank them enough or tell them how sorry I am for putting them thru so much!! I love you all so much!! Thank you also to all of the rest of my family and friends for your prayers and support!! They are very much appreciated!! Also to my oldest sister for doing so much for me and for keeping all of my livejournal friends updated!! I love you!!
Love to all~
Karlene

Mood: tired

Where do I go from here?

Nov. 17th, 2009 at 7:43 AM

I was in the hospital again these last few days (my 3rd or 4th time in about as many weeks). My doctors are very baffled as what to do. He really wants me to go into a nursing home because he is so aftraid of me living at home. He told me he doesn't know how I am still alive, with me being so sick and so emaciated (I'm not even trying to lose weight and it has dropped to 75 lbs.). He has talked to me about several options: get a PEG tube inserted and stay in the hospital (or nursing home) for a couple of months; go into the nursing home now; go into the nursing home if things (like I am very weak and kind of "out of it") get really bad, they would heavily sedate me and withhold any kind of nurishment, fluids, water, food,etc. and let nature takes it's course (but I would be completely sedated where I wouldn't feel anything); and he also told me if I have to go into the ER for this (back-up with my bowels), he said "you are going into a nursing home or you will find another doctor." That hurt me. Even tho I know I am not alone (I have a lot of supportive family and friends), I still feel very alone in this situation! I do not want to waste away in a nursing home and have my parents/family go thru that. So now what do I do if things get so bad I have to go to the hospital? I CAN'T!! Do I just lay there in agony and die? I've tried that. The pain just gets worse and worse. If/when it gets like that, I WANT to die!! There is no other solution! He (my doc) is trying me on some new pain meds that are longer-acting. I take one in the a.m. and one in the p.m. They are quite potent and make me sleep a lot. He (all my docs, not only here, but also the hospitals) are totally baffled and frustrated. Dr. A. said he has talked about my very difficult and unique case to several "high flootin'" docs and professionals because it is just such a complicated case. They are frustrated, I am frustrated, and I am sure my family and friends are frustrated. As hard as it is on me, I can't imagine how hard it is them. The last thing I want is for my family to see me wasted away in a nursing home where my mind is totally gone and you can't even talk to me or me to you. I could NEVER EVER EVER apologize enough to everyone for every heartache I have caused these past 23+ yrs! I can't even think of the words how much this is killing me inside seeing those I love have to go thru this with me. It hurts me to the very core of my being!! I feel a stabbing sense of guilt and shame that I can't even explain!! What really hurts is having to see my nieces and nephews who are so young to have to see me wither away when they don't understand what is going on. My family is my life and every one of my beautiful nieces and nephews are such a gift from God. They fill my heart with a joy I have never felt before in my life!! I feel like such a burden to everyone and the guilt is almost crippling!! I just want relief: from the excruciating physical and emotional pain! I also ask for your forgiveness!! The last thing I would ever EVER want to do is hurt anyone, the people in my life who have stood by me and loved me no matter what. I honestly don't know what I would do without them!! I can't thank everyone enough or apologize enough! I hope and pray you forgive me! PLEASE know I LOVE each and every one of you to very core of my being!!!!!!!

I love you all always~

Karlene

Not Again!!

Nov. 9th, 2009 at 1:17 AM

I am feeling miserable tonight and can't sleep bc of the pain and nausea. I haven't been able to keep any solids down for several days now and have not had a BM in about 10 days! I've been drinking Powerade Light and Carnation Instant Breakfast (the "diet" kind) because everything else comes back up (and even liquids will often come up). I'm in terrible pain and the nausea is almost more than I can bare. I just don't want to go to the ER anymore, but there are times I can't even get up without passing out bc I am so weak. I am terribly dehydrated, which causes painful muscle spasms and cramps. I can't call 911 bc my insurance won't pay for the ambulance. Plus I do not want to go to the hospital here, it's terrible! I want to go to Topeka's Stormont Vail (many of the docs know me there) bc they have IV teams (it's vertually impossible to get an IV in me) and could put in a PICC line if they needed to. However, I would have no way there. The ambulance wouldn't take me bc it's "not the nearest hospital", I have no car, and I wouldn't be able to drive even if I did bc I am usually doubled over in pain and passing out. I hate bugging my parents to take me (especially when it's in the middle of the night). I've put them thru too much. I asked my doc not long ago what would happen if I would not do anything at all when I get those bad pains and get an obstuction of some kind in my gut. He said I would die. If I knew it wouldn't take HOURS and HOURS of excrusiating, unbareable, relentless pain--okay, I'd let it happen. I'd just wait for God to take me.
I want to wish my several family members a very happy birthday--Dad turned 73 on Nov. 5, Mom turns 70 on Nov. 13, Braylyn (my niece) turns 3 yrs. old on the 15th, and my sis-in-law turns 45 (I think) on the 16th!! I love them all very much, just as I love all of you who have become my friends and have lended me an ear, have given me love and support, and prayed for me even tho you don't know me personally. I still consider you all my friends! Please keep me close to your heart!! MY LOVE TO ALL OF YOU SPECIAL PEOPLE!!!

Mood: frustrated

GI Doc (& more ER visits!)

Nov. 5th, 2009 at 6:19 PM

I saw a GI specialist on Monday and was not too happy with the results! He is trying a new medication for me (my 14th!) and I am not feeling at all better. I am supposed to get back with them after 2 weeks and let them know how it is working. That night I had to go to the ER (AGAIN!) with severe stomach pain, numbness, fainting, etc. It was awful! I really thought I was going to die. My doctor had once asked me not long ago, "What's the point in going to the ER if you don't want to get better?" What am I supposed to do when the pain is excrusiating and I can't even put my feet on the ground without passing out; when the numbness nearly paralyzes me; when my heart races and skips so many beats I see stars!? I wish they understood how I felt! My blood sugar was pretty low, as was my potassium. I took an oxygen mask home with me bc it helps me breathe better when the pain gets so bad. The GI doctor is most worried about my nutritional status and continued weight loss (mid to low 70s). I am getting where I can't keep anything at all down (I am not intentionally vomiting, my stomach is just so messed up). I don't know how much more I can bare!!

Mood: crappy

Oh, I just want peace!!!

Oct. 16th, 2009 at 6:57 PM

My nausea is worse than ever. It used to be really bad at night, but now it is ALL the time!! It's like being sea-sick, only 100 times worse!! Beware, the following is kind of gross: I have been having very watery diarrhea, and vomiting this greenish yellowish stuff that is absolutely disgusting!! Anything I put in my stomach goes nowhere. I look like one of these camodia kids with stick-like arms and legs, and this huge distended gut! I am in absolute misery!! My doctor put me on some different kind of anti-nausea medicine today and I am supposed to let him know if it works or not by Monday. If not, he wants me to go to the hospital (the bigger one in Topeka) so they can put a PICC line in and give me meds. That is the only way they can get an IV. But I am afraid they (at the hospital) will just brush me off, saying "if you would just eat..." blah, blah, blah. Right, if it were that easy, there would be no such thing as an eating disorder. They don't understand the agony I am in and how it is so much more complicated than that. I finally got an appointment set up with a GI doc in Topeka (but not until Nov. 2) who specializes in digestive disorders. My gut is so messed up and I have 2 ulcers and a hiatal hernia, plus an esophagus that is so scarred and so messed up from all of the years of purging. They said my esophagus could bleed out and my ulcers too. I am just feeling really badly tonight...everything hurts, and the nausea is beyond agonizing! As I have said before, the hospital that is more able to treat me is about 35 miles away. I can't take an ambulance bc it would cost a fortune and my family just has too much going on to have them take me, so I am kind of in a rut. Our hospital here is just too small to deal with my complicated case. Plus my last ambulance ride there (which is about a mile away) cost me almost $600 which Medicare says they won't pay for bc they said it was not medically necessary! Are they kidding me?! I just don't know how much longer I can hold on! I know I am dehydrated and my potassium is low bc I have those painful muscle cramps in the arches of my feet that last for hours!!! I am also having heart palpitations and chest pains. I don't know what to do or where to go!!! I am so tired!! So weak! Everything is such an effort! It even hurts to walk and stand upright! Most of the time, I have to lean against the wall to steady myself and sit down to keep from fainting. Sometimes it's too late and I find myself on the floor. I've lost count of how many bumps and bruises I've found on my body from falling. Please pray for my family bc I know it has to be so hard on them to see me this way or to lose me from this disease, although I think we are all preparing ourselves for that day. I am more worried about them than I am myself. The pain I have caused them for over 23 years, I could never ever say how very sorry I am for that! There aren't the words to describe the shame and guilt I feel. I just pray they, and God, forgives me!! I love them all so much. I also love all of you out there who are keeping me in your thoughts and prayers! Thank you so much!!

Mood: confused

Home after another painful hospitalization

Sep. 24th, 2009 at 6:31 PM

Just wanted to let my loyal and avid readers know I just got home from another hospitalization. I saw it coming and tried putting it off, but the pain and nausea was just too bad. I couldn't even stand up. So on Tuesday eve. I called 911 and they admitted me, putting in another NG tube (those are so incredibly painful!) up the nose and into the stomach. It took 4 nurses, at least 20 needle sticks, and 2 hours to get a vein for an IV. At one time I had a nurse on each arm trying to get one. Even after all that, they finally got one, but it only lasted a couple of hours and "blew out"! My veins are so scarred and so bad from all the IVs I've had. Plus I was extremely dehydrated. They were going to use an ankle vein, but they had to get drs. orders for that and he said "no." So I had to endure painful frequent Morphine and Phenegren (anti-nausea med) injections in the butt (which is seriously just wrinkled skin)!! I literally have no fat anywhere, so they had a hard time with that too. The x-rays showed my bowels had stop working. They didn't really get any gunk sucked out of my gut because they think whatever is in my stomach that won't digest (I don't ingest that much anyway), is trapped further down from the stomach, but not in my bowels yet (there can be stuff in there from weeks, even months!). My doctor told me that if/when this happens again, I should be taken to Stormont Vail in Topeka (about 35 miles from here, but a much bigger hospital to go to for serious cases)where they can put in a PICC line (a kind of surgical procedure where the central line is put in the inside of your upper arm and threaded through just above your heart. ((I live in a small town, so the hospital here doesn't do PICC lines)). That way they can just use my PICC line for IVs, meds, blood draws, and anything else they need, and I wouldn't have to endure HOURS of poking and proding!! So....that's the latest. Thank you so much to all of you keeping me in your thoughts and prayers and sending me some of the most thoughtful loving caring responses I get. Reading them literally makes my day!! My Love and Appreciation to all!!!
~~Karlene

Mood:weak

UGH!!

Sep. 22nd, 2009 at 12:12 AM

I am feeling a little blue tonight (I'm sure most of it is due to my malnutrition and SEVERE insomnia) and in a lot of pain. And incredibly nauseous!!! Sometimes when it gets bad, I throw up (NOT on purpose!) and have dry heaves since I don't have much in my stomach. Plus I have Restless Leg Syndrome and anyone who has experienced this know how very uncomfortable it is! I am also having terrible, very painful, muscle cramps/spasms in the arches of my feet! My two middle toes curl up and the others curl down! SO PAINFUL! I know it's due to my low potassium. I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I'm so tired. This disease is so very very cruel!! It takes so much from you and leaves you in PROLONGED, NEVER-ENDING AGONY!! Despite what people may believe, most people with eating disorders don't just die peacefully in their sleep. It's 24/7 HELL!! I've been dealing with this physical and emotional pain for 23 years!! I have seriously looked death in the face many times. My doctor says I should have died long ago. Being at my worst now, he is truly amazed I am still alive. My family has had to watch me slowly fade away. I hate what I have done to them!! The guilt and shame I feel is unbearable!! It literally pierces my heart!! I miss my niece and nephews. Though I live close to them, there are so many times I am just too sick or too weak to visit. I love to hold my 2-month-old nephew and snuggle with him. I love to hold him and just stare at him for hours (many times with tears in my eyes, knowing it is highly possible I won't live to see him--or any of them--grow up). He's starting to smile and coo and it melts my heart when he just stares back at me with that wonderful adorable smile. I usually will then go home (driven by my parents since I don't drive anymore) and take my pain medication (which is beginning to not have very much of an effect anymore). I hope and pray I don't have to call 911 tonight and have to get that NG tube rammed up my nose, but I am so miserable right now, that may be my only option. I don't know what to do. I've got to close.

Mood: PAIN

Update--July 10, 2009

Jul. 10th, 2009 at 10:34 PM

This is me and my new, absolutely beautiful nephew, Shaefer. Born July 8, 2009 at 2:32 a.m. weighing 7 lbs. 3 oz. and 20 1/2 in. long. I got to witness the birth and even got to cut the cord (his daddy gets too squeemish). This is my youngest sister's 2nd baby. Her daughter, Braylyn is 2 1/2 years old. You can tell in this picture that even though I am beaming with pride, I am in a great deal of pain and am just not feeling well. Every single day brings me new aches and pains and I never know if I will have to go back into the hospital to get that HUGE NG tube up the nose to get the vial nasty stuff out of my stomach that no longer works. I am continuing to take my pain medication, but sometimes even that doesn't work and going into the hospital for a few days is an absolute must. What I hate the most is when my pain gets in the way of me seeing and being with my adorable nieces and nephews. They are my joy.

Mood: uncomfortable

Update--May 9, 2009

May. 9th, 2009 at 9:47 PM

I want to thank all of you who have written to me sending your love. Hearing the kindness and love from all of you touches me deeply and gets me through some very difficult, and painful, days. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. You are strangers, yet you have touched my heart in a way that makes you very special friends. I am also very blessed to have my very loving family nearby. I get to see one of my nephews (who's now 15 months old) and niece (who's 2 1/2 years old) all the time. I also have another nephew due in June! No matter what pain or emptiness I may be feeling, they always fill my heart with joy. They are so precious. However, it hurts me to think that I may never get to see them grow up. Right now along with the stomach problems I am having, I am also experiencing some very painful chest pains. I think it may be my hiatal hernia acting up (a portion of my diaphram is getting lodged up into my esophagus). I take pain meds, but sometimes that doesn't even help. Sometimes I wonder if it's my heart because I have been having intense heart palpitations; so intense that it takes my breath away and nearly makes me pass out. Everything starts to go black until my heart settles down and beats normally. I will spend Mother's Day at my parents'. Happy Mother's Day to all who are mothers. And thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support.

Mood: drained

Update--March 30, 2009

Mar. 30th, 2009 at 9:55 AM

Hello everyone,
I noticed I hadn't updated my journal in over a month. Nothing really new to report. I live in Kansas where the weather is very unpredictable. We can have 85 degree weather one day and snow the next (sometimes even in the same day!). This last week we had bad thunderstorms, 90 mile per hour wind gusts (yes, 90!), temps in the 70s and then 5 days later, temps in the 20s and SNOW!!! Where I live we had just a couple of inches, but just south and west of us (and not that far) they had FEET of snow, one town had 28 inches!!! That's Kansas for ya. Anyway, last Sunday I was sick with the stomach flu and seriously thought I was dying! I threw up every half hour for about 10 hrs.!! I had nothing in my stomach. I just kept dry heaving (sp?) and throwing up acid and bile!! I was absolutely miserable!! I spent this weekend with one of my sisters and her son (my nephew), Logan (almost 14 months old). It's so nice to be so near my family. I don't know what I would do without them. My nieces and nephews brighten my day even when I feel so bad. When I leave them (any of my family members), I always make sure to give the hugs, kisses, and "I love yous" bc I am so afraid that will be the last time I see them. I worry about them. My dad is not well and I worry about him too. I don't think I could handle losing any of my family. I know it's selfish, but I would rather go before any of them bc it would just be too hard to go on without them. It's selfish bc I know how hurt they will be when I die. I just hope they forgive me!! I pray God forgives me!! I want to spend eternity in Heaven, not hell.

Mood: nauseated

Update--Feb. 16, 2009

Feb. 16th, 2009 at 8:22 PM

Hi everyone,
Sorry I have been out of touch lately. Things have been kinda crazy (car accident, a couple of agonizing stints in the hospital, etc.). One of my sisters has lovingly offered to update on here for me in the unfortunate event I am unable to. So you all can get the scoop on me. I don't even remember when I last updated on here. Anyway, I am now living in a small apartment close to my family. It's nice bc I have no car anymore and it's actually kind of difficult for me to drive anyway (I am on pain meds and I sometimes just don't feel well). I have a new health development: sores (like blisters and bedsores) and bruises all over my body; just from sitting, laying, or walking! Very painful. I hope everyone is taking care of themselves. Love and hugs to all~

Karlene

Car Accident

Jan. 16th, 2009 at 9:26 PM

I blacked out driving yesterday and hit three parked cars (totalling 2, including mine). Thank God no one was in them and it was in a 30 MPH zone. They had to get me out of the passenger's side because my side was so bashed in. They took me by amblance to the hospital, but I refused to stay. My doctor and my family are quite cross with me right now. I know they love me, but at the same time, I think they hate me too. They hate what I am doing to this family. So now I have no car and no money to buy one. They all told me it's to dangerous for me to drive anyway, so they won't help any. My God, I hate myself so much right now!! My doctor wants me to get a PEG (feeding) tube put back in. What's the point? My days are literally filled with darkness (bc of the depression and bc of the passing out). What a mess my life has become! I feel my family can't even look at me without wincing and without hatred and flustration on their faces. I'm so very SORRY!!!

Mood: crushed

Happy Holidays...and a big Thank You!

Jan. 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 PM

Hi guys,
I appreciate what you are trying to do. However, this ZC diet is still very unclear to; me and in my head, my anorexia says "NO" to it. My 4 oz. FF yogurt, and small handful of dry cheerios, and watered down pickle juice (I CRAVE pickle juice for some reason) is the only thing that is safe for me. And I often throw that up (sometimes on purpose, sometimes it just comes up bc of my constant nausea). I am so nauseous I can't stand to have anything in my stomach. It literally makes me want to throw up! Anyway, thank you for trying to help. And I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I honestly feel it was my last holidays and birthday. I feel I will soon meet my maker. I just hope and pray that God will take care of my family through my death and pray He sends me to Heaven and not Hell for what I have done! I keep you all in my prayers.

I love you all~~~
Karlene

Mood: lonely

My 40th Birthday

Dec. 29th, 2008 at 4:04 PM

I'm 40 today. I never thought I'd still be alive at this age. I don't feel alive. I'm just going through the motions of life. They don't want to do the surgery (Gastric Pacemaker). They say I am too ill and wouldn't make it through it. They said they would first have to put in another PEG tube and I'd have to gain a substantial amount of weight first. I don't want to go through all that. So we are just trying to keep the pain and nausea at bay for now. The nausea always makes me feel FAT! I hate that! I've been fighting a cold and a kidney infection. I spent Christmas in bed and miserable. I have moved to be closer to my family. My apartment is for those with disabilities and low income (my only income is my social security checks and I can't work). My family can now keep an eye on me. I still have lots of unpacking to do. I am too weak to do much at a time. My mom is helping and will decorate for me. I'm no good at that stuff. I haven't spent a night there yet though because I am house-sitting and dog-sitting for the next couple of weeks for a family friend. I slept quite a bit today. I will go to my parents' tonight to celebrate my b-day (my sisters and my niece and nephew will be there too). But I won't eat anything. I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and will have a Happy HEALTHY New Year!!!

Mood: nauseated

Frustrated!!

Dec. 2nd, 2008 at 8:16 AM

I saw my physician yesterday. He is so concerned about me and doesn't know how to help me. We tried all day yesterday to get a hold of this GI doc that does Gastric Pacemakers. Apparently he doesn't have an opening until June!!! Can you believe that?! And they said he's the only doc in the area who does those. He's at the University of Kansas Hospital in Kansas City (I live about 90 miles west of there, so he's the closest to me). I can't believe he's the only one who can help me and he can't take me until June. I will never make it to June!! My doctor is confused about how I feel about getting better. He said if I want to do this, then I must want to get better. That's not true. I just want to be FREE FROM PAIN and NAUSEA every single second!!! The pain and nausea is truely unbearable! Just until God takes me. But why is He making me struggle so much and go through such misery? I don't understand. :(

Mood: scared

Sunken Eyes

Nov. 25th, 2008 at 2:46 PM

This picture scares even ME!!!

I am sorry I have not kept up with this "diary." I'm just so tired and out of beath! My weight is fluctuating between 69 and 70 pounds. Although I think I look gross as in terms of thinness, I want my weight to go lower. That is SICK, I know!! It's not even about looking skinny anymore. It's more about disappearing! I'm consumed with guilt and shame and just want to float away. I see my doc on the 1st of December. We will talk about the gastric pacemaker. I don't know if he will go for it or not because everyone doesn't think I'll make it through the surgery. Oh, how I hurt: physically and emotionally!! I sleep ALL the time now and am "out of it" half the time. I do and say things I don't even remember doing or saying. Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me and my family!! So many of you are so very sweet to me and that means SO MUCH! I love you all~~~~~

Mood: nauseated

Update--Nov. 10, '08

Nov. 10th, 2008 at 6:28 PM

---hospital

--NG tube

I have been in the hospital for the past couple of weeks. My parents had to take me to the ER Halloween morning. I was having severe stomach pains and couldn't even stand up. Many painful tests were performed and it was concluded that I had some type of intestinal blockage. They stuck a huge NG tube up my nose and got out 2 liters of fluid and gunk from my stomach. I hadn't had a BM in almost 3 weeks (altho I'm not eating much). I was in such awful pain!! My weight is continuing to fall. I now weigh barely 72 lbs. I cannot even care for myself. My skin is turning an ugly yellowish color. I honestly don't know how I am still alive. My doctors suggested a Gastric Pacemaker be placed in my stomach bc my digestive system is so very messed up. But they are not sure if I would make it thru the surgery. Thank you to all who are keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it so very much, as does my family!

Mood: cold

Update--Oct. 23, '08

Oct. 23rd, 2008 at 2:56 PM

I'm still here. How? I don't know. I don't know why God has kept me on earth for this long with this disease. My physical body is literally disappearing. I feel such guilt and shame. I am sorry to everyone for being such a disappointment. I am sorry for failing to fight and beat this disease. I am sorry I have given up!! I fought it for 22 yrs. and it has done irreversable damage to me...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm done. I have nothing left. I don't want people who are fighting this terrible monster to read this and think, "well if she's giving up, if she's not going to get better, then I won't either." You CAN!! Recovery IS possible. I've seen it. I just don't see it for myself. And I'm so very sorry for that!! I'm so very ashamed!! The physical pain and discomfort from starving and from the malnutrition is still not as bad as the discomfort of leaving my anorexia behind--the terror I would feel. And deep down I know that is CRAZY!!It's been ME for so long, it's who I am. So many of you have responded to my posts with such love and kindness and I can't tell you how much that means to me!! It touches my heart so much, I can actually "feel" your love. I've been so nauseous every single day. I don't know if it's my pain meds or what, but I feel like I am sea sick ALL the time!! And when I feel like that, that MONSTER inside my head tells me I am gaining weight, even if I've only had tiny bites of yogurt all day long! I wish so much that there was a miracle drug out there that would just make eating disorders just disappear. They take everything and everyone from you!! I love all of you out there struggling with this and to those keeping me in your hearts and prayers! I can't thank you enough!! Please take care of yourselves and FIGHT!!

Doctor Day

Sep. 28th, 2008 at 7:25 PM

72.9 lbs. on the doctor's scales with clothes on.

I wish I could see what others see! What is wrong with me?! I feel like I am going crazy! This disease is consuming me and I can't stand it! I saw my doctor on Friday. He raised my Percocet. I feel sorry for him bc he is so worried about me and doesn't know how else to help. I have yet another kidney infection, but we're not going to treat it, just try and control my pain. I'm so confused and scared. So many emotions all jumbeled up inside of me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like a puppet being controlled by this monster pulling the strings. My body is shutting down not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I was with my family this weekend and it was an incredibly uncomfortable weekend!! Just seeing the look on all of their faces and the way they act toward me. My dad looks at me with disgust and that hurts. Even my nieces and nephews stare at me and seem to be afraid of me. I am so very ashamed and consumed with guilt! What have I done to myself? I've ruined not only my own life, but the lives of those I love so dearly. I'm so very very tired and exhausted and the pain is getting hard to control. God, please forgive me for not being who you made me to be!!

Mood: confused

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